The Case Against Having Children

I received an interesting query letter today from an author who was making the case against having children. His argument was that most people have children for all the wrong reasons. In the majority of cases, he argued, it's all about our vanity, want of adoration, and need for immortality. He posited that having children is the closest thing we have to immortality because it guarantees us that some part of our flesh and blood will be alive long after we have ceased to exist. He added that if it were not for this self-serving attitude, we would all be open to adoption, and if everyone adopted, we would curb overpopulation and the draining of environmental, financial, and other resources significantly. Simply put, he argued, there is no good reason for having children, but plenty of reasons not to.

And yes, he's painfully aware of the fact that if his parents felt the way he did, he would not be alive. But he does point out the fact that for every one child lucky enough to be born into a family with some means that provides love, there are ten that are not (in the west, and hundred for every one elsewhere). He knows that he was lucky, but he would rather not have played those odds if he was given a chance.

I don't think I necessarily agree with him, but I do think he has a point. Perhaps because of unfortunate incidents in my childhood, I chose never to have children, as did my wife. I don't think the world is a good place right now, and I don't believe that how much people love and provide for their children guarantees those children a blessed life. I also think that there are far too many children who have miserable lives -- way more than those that have even decent ones. Every time I see a homeless person, I can't help but think that to have lived to adulthood, they were, at some point, loved or at the very least taken care of. Otherwise, they would have died a long time ago -- well before adulthood. I can't help but wonder what happened. At what point did someone stop caring for them? At what point did their life go from one with warmth and nutritious food to addiction, mental disease, and poverty? With no guarantees of a good life, do we really want to keep playing the odds thinking our offspring will be the exception?

I went to boarding school with many children from "healthy" families. One thing about boarding school, however, is that there are no secrets when you spend every waking (and sleeping) moment in school in one way or another. There is no sanctuary or home to retreat to. I knew some of these kids' families and they really were good families with loving parents, supportive siblings, and all the other trimmings that make for a great childhood. Yet, every now and then, one of these kids with amazing families would kill himself or herself, and no one knew why. They had outstanding grades, were popular, had a great family, a promising future, and great hopes. Then, one day, they were just gone. The suicide notes rarely explained why -- they usually just apologized for the trouble that their death had caused and reiterated how no one was to blame. I'm sure psychologists and others will argue that there is always a severe pain trigger of some sort that is hidden. All I can say is that I lived with these kids for years and saw them from the time I woke up to the time I fell asleep. I knew every single detail of their lives (and they knew mine). There were no places to hide, no corners to retreat to, no quiet spaces for introspection. If there was something there, we would have known.

Something terrible can happen to anyone with no good reason. There are no guarantees of any sort, and yet, we keep having children. As someone born in South Asia, I am always reminded of how lucky I was to be born into a family that had the resources to provide for a good education for me and allow me to travel to the U.S. and make it my home -- my odds of hitting the Powerball lottery three times in a row would have been higher.

People always assume that I don't like children because I never had any. Actually, I love children. That's why I never had any.