The 17 Dramatic Principles Guiding Every Cop Show on Network TV

I am a huge fan of cop shows, but I do get a little tired of the formulaic approach used on most network shows (one of the reasons "The Wire" was so good was because it dared to add some authenticity to its depictions of law enforcement).

The following formulas have been done to death and must go:

 
1. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement, leaving behind a wife and a young boy who'll be promised justice by all other cops. A scene of the fatherless boy somberly holding his father's badge is a requirement.
 
2. Running into any suspect's house, a cop will yell "Clear!" before checking under the bed, in the closets, or behind furniture -- because if a criminal is not in plain sight, he or she definitely isn't home.
 
3. All doors regardless of reinforcement and locks can be opened with a sharp kick or a shoulder.
 

4. A cop will survive any shootout unless he makes the mistake of showing someone a picture of his wife and kids beforehand. It is also absolutely necessary that at least one of the kids must be estranged or have problems that will now never be dealt with.

5. Any suspect's apartment will be incredibly clean and well-kept, unless someone has been there ahead of when the detectives go to check it out. In that case, the apartment will be thoroughly shredded with furniture toppled and glass broken for no apparent reason.

6. A cop will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
 
7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts because all potential victims should know exactly when they're going to go off.

8. All criminals must live in an apartment where the back room window opens directly out into a fire escape and a yard where all fences will be short enough to leap over. Also, all gates and doors will be unlocked.

9. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty for seemingly unbecoming behavior that actually hints at his deep-down sense of loyalty and integrity (e.g. -- using excessive force on a criminal who shot his partner).
 
10. There are policemen and policewomen in all precincts whose only job is to take phone calls, hand out faxes, and disturb meetings at tense moments where the case could just go one way or the other. They cannot be seen at any other time and have no other purpose.
 
11. The cop at the front counter in any precinct will be overweight and make lame jokes.
 
12. If a policeman gets a phone call that asks him to "turn on the tv," it will always go straight to a news bulletin that is directly attached to the case he or she is working on -- regardless of which channel the television is tuned to.
 
13. Police should never approach suspects from either side because all suspects need a clear path to use to run away the moment the cops identify themselves.
 
14. All attractive cops are partnered with someone equally attractive of the opposite sex and then reprimanded by their supervisors for getting involved.

15. Forensics labs are always on standby and can readily match DNA with absolute certainty in a matter of minutes.

16. All criminals and suspects celebrate their crimes at strip bars.

17. All police precincts are required to have at least one cop who came from the bad part of town but escaped the ghetto; one cop who has a drug or alcohol problem; one cop who is sleeping with the captain; and one cop with a wealthy family and an Ivy League degree -- who will be referred to at least three times as "college boy" before proving himself in a high-stakes situation.